Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you. I stuck it in their outgoing mail pile when they weren’t home.

I also hope you’re getting lots of rest and enjoying Mrs. C’s amazing Christmas cookies! I miss her Pink Snowballs. Just three more nights for Christmas Eve!

It’s been a real adventure for me here. I know you said that I’m ready for ‘shelf status’ but I’m not always sure. There are so many things I didn’t know. I wonder sometimes if I missed some training at the North Pole. Maybe those two days I was off with a bad sprain from roughing around with Dasher. There are some things I’ve seen that I’m not sure what to make of. Things definitely have been interesting, though. Sometimes I question if I ended up at the right address, but than I remember how you always say that there’s magic in the air during Christmas and there are no wrong addresses. I’m currently living in a very large home … larger than all the other houses around it. Some people came in and made it look like our workshop, but than the man gave them some money and they didn’t even get asked to stay to enjoy it. There are several Christmas trees and decorations and it makes me feel a little less homesick.

I wish I could visit you, but I guess it makes sense to transport the elves on ‘shelf assignment’ only after the youngest child in the assigned home turns thirteen. I don’t know how no one ever catches on that we are supplying and distributing from The Pole Co. so we can infiltrate their homes but I also have no idea how you manage to track all of us elves once we’ve been bought. Than again, you always manage to make it around the world in one night so I’m sure these things come easy to you. I know us elves shouldn’t be nosy but I can’t help wondering how you do it all. I remember your cautionary tale of Jupiter, who started thinking he could do whatever he pleases, which included starting an adult toy workshop (although I’m not sure why toys for adults are so bad). He fell out of your graces, tried to escape once he knew how you do it and even had the audacity – dare I say it – to accuse you of slave labour after all the great things you do for us! I know I never met him but I wonder if he’s okay now that he’s been stripped of his elf magic and was made human. Elf Ginny heard he’s drinking something called Daquiri in a place called Hedonism.

The older children in this world sure do get skeptical. Some visited this home I’m placed at the other day and told little Jonny you aren’t real. I wanted to tell them they are wrong but you said we must never speak to any of them. Jonny only calmed down after his Dad told him the older boys are mistaken. Like most grown-ups, I think he only said that for Jonny’s sake. Ginny told me her people keep ‘pretending’ to believe for the sake of their children but every time you leave a present they assume the other bought it or that some relative left it there. It makes me a little frustrated. By the way, if you come across the names Corey James Bingham and James William Turner from Toronto, they should probably be on your Naughty list.  I know Gunther is handling the lists this year and he tends to make a few mistakes so I just thought you should know.

I sure do miss you, Mrs. C, the Reindeer (especially Dasher) and the other elves.

I know you want me to do a good job and I really am trying but I’ve been very confused. I’ve seen some things and I’ve done some things and I’ve been feeling a little funny too. I should probably tell you how I’ve been able to communicate with Elf Ginny.

The other day the two big people decided to play a game called “nooky” and it was a very strange game. Maybe you’ve heard of it? I don’t remember this game being covered in our Human Behaviour class or our North American Culture class. Anyway, they were on the couch dressed like you and Mrs. Claus but they weren’t fully dressed and they had tight black plastic outfits under their clothes.  They were saying very mean things to each other and sometimes they would spank each other’s bottom. They would take turns. I guess they don’t know you don’t believe in spanking. They seemed to really enjoy it, though. They started doing this rhythmic dance … sort of like when I caught Vixen and Cupid alone in the Winter Wonderland Stables doing that strange dance and making all those weird noises. It looked just like that. You said they were playing a private game just for Reindeers but I think humans do it too. Maybe that’s all this is but Jonny woke up from all the noise and they grabbed a throw off the couch and covered themselves with it and turned as red as Rudolph’s nose before putting him back in bed so I wasn’t sure. It felt a little strange to watch but I couldn’t look away.

Then Jonny had his friend, Ellie, over to the house. We were in Jonny’s bedroom when Ellie pulled out Ginny from her knapsack. While Jonny’s mom was making dinner, Jonny showed Ellie what his mommy and daddy were doing the other night by using Ginny and I and simulating the game. At first it felt funny, just like when I was watching the adults doing it, but than it felt really good and it was hard to keep pretending we weren’t alive. Despite all our training, at one point Ginny let out the smallest little sound and I regret to tell you that I may have made some noise too. Hopefully the children’s giggles kept them from noticing.

We were alone in Jonny’s bedroom while they left to have dinner and I asked Ginny what we had done? She seemed to know something but she wouldn’t tell me. Ginny just smiled and said that she hopes we get to do it again. I get the feeling she’s played with other elves this way before. I did really like it. And it isn’t our place to deny the children from bringing us together, right?

I miss you, Santa, but am sure learning a lot and I’m beginning to really like it here.

Elf Sammy